I am not immune to harm

I’d like to share what happened last week because I feel important, in journey of anti racism, to see how the power imbalance is at the core of the problem and that could impact on the mental health of those who are receiving. This is also a reminder of my boundaries. 

Since I wrote on cultural appropriation more than a year ago, countless people came (still coming) to my inbox, even I clarified I am not an educator and requested self reflection. There are various reasons and approaches. After battling with some backlash for worse, I set my boundaries (although I thought the blog post itself was clear enough to be my boundary). In response (not all I do, however) I tried to be kind but always firm and honest, and even made good interaction with some people who not only took action on their accord but with care for my mental health. I have also received heartfelt messages from people who felt appreciated for voicing on their behalf. I felt happy to have done so for their sake if for no other reason.

But I shrunk, when a VERY famous instagram creative, who’s just woken up to racism, happened to read my blog and only just decided to follow me, suddenly jumping into my space with a lengthy explanation on that person’s awakening, after stating severals of my friends being “aggressive”, feeling alarmed about the use of Japanese words in the book that person wrote, with support of the publisher, and another use of Japanese in another forthcoming book, decided that they need a third party to “check” and wanted to discuss this with me, in 40 mins that person’s so-called “safe space”, so that they won’t cause hurt to anyone. By the way I will be paid. 

My gut wrenched on so many levels. I felt intimidated and diminished by being put in a vulnerable and difficult position, to be asked a kind of approval for that person’s wrong doing so that they can publish a new work, which continues to maintain the power despite the harm caused from the first place. They are conscious of the impact of the readers, whilst my mental health is not of the slightest concern by asking this, nor the chance of me being exposed in potential pushback from that person’s more than 400k followers. 40 mins is not enough to articulate nuance of my culture and language that were carelessly used for someone’s profit. Consider what took me to write the blog from the first place. It was not just time. I have no energy left to reiteraate what I have already said and why I think it’s problematic to someone who don’t get it. It was not just energy. It was also courage and pain. Now feels like my open wound was scooped out yet again. Yet my brain suffer from the voices I had received in the past under white supremacy, like “You are too sensitive. You are over-reacting.” Am I?

That “I admire your work” statement stings me. That person has shown no sign of interest in looking at my work and words I have already shared on IG posts and beyond, including the book I have been interviewed by an author the person knew, being mentioned within the person’s live talk with my fellow potter. I was not even in the person’s radar until last week. How am I supposed to feel? Should I be grateful because the person has finally woke and is willing to pay me? Should I trust the person’s so called “safe space” for the person’s profit not for my mental health? Does the person’s quick apology in DM make everything ok?

I screamed and cried into the void. I felt confused and damaged. I couldn’t sleep.

Let me re-frame my original word of “self-reflection”. I am not here to amend for you. I do not feel safe in your space. I do not want your money. I am not your tick box or quick fix.

This is not just about a single incident. It is about power dynamics, imbalance of it, who is profiting over who has been damaged.

So anyone who is reading this, may I ask you a favour? Please don’t think it’s not your problem just because you are not that person or you don’t have big followers. Each one of you have influence to others, large or small, and that is your power. If you have power, please use it wisely and think twice before you jump on someone’s open wound next time. If you see the harm, please use your power to step in. And please remember those good, liberal, well-intentioned people CAN cause harm and that creates more powerful impact on the mental health than obvious acts of racism. That person can be your best friend, your admired creative or person who you are working for/with. If you ever want to discuss in a harmless manner, please can you make an effort to get to know me first? I am a human after all.

My boundaries are not for you. They are for my safety, mental health and humanity. Please respect my boundaries so that I can heal and we both can support collective healing for others.

Thank you so much for my friends who checked in and helped me though last week.