shift?

I woke up this morning with bright light coming through the bedroom window. I decided to go for a quick run, since I put off exercise far too long. My daughter who is on a school break egerly asked if she could come too. I told her she could come only if she could ride her bike so that she could keep up with me. (not that I love running or run fast btw.) Her excitement was soon defeated by unexpectedly strong wind, but we have managed to maintain running and biking (pushing) without having any meltdown with each other, and returned home with smiles.

We noticed there was residue of snow in the shade. The air was extremely nippy, even though bright sun light and blue sky were welcoming us. Stepping outside whilst knowing spring is on its way was a big shift that I totally needed.

This winter has been so long for both my mind and my body. After living half of my life up North, I still find this season very challenging, and quite frankly, depressive especially the last three years. My personal perspective has significantly changed on how my mind and body deeply connected to nature, in both good and not-so-good ways. (or maybe ‘good’ isn’t the right word, because nature has all sides, neither good nor bad.) So much that I under-estimated or even ignored the relation to nature that’s calling me to rest. Because you know, habit of self sabotage, “you haven’t done enough / achieved enough / or being a good mother / wife / worker / human (you insert anything that applies) to deserve the rest.” You can say exact the same thing kindly to your friends, but to yourself, honestly why is it so hard? I mean, not just telling yourself but actually ‘doing’ the rest? Rest doesn’t have to mean anything work related, but too often I measure how much I did ‘something’ in order to rest without feeling guilt or self criticism, not just because my mind/ body / nature is telling me so. Simply ease was like hard and conscious learning, so this whole winter I struggled to rest and ended up just hiding (pretended to rest, more like) with full on anxious mind and exhausted body.

Then I go outside, that moment I am on a run, suddenly realise how small matters that I got so bothered about. The small things that can easily get trapped in my head and body to the point that totally stop me from functioning. Of course some stuff aren’t ‘small’ small and actually quite heavy, but I noticed that how easily I shrink to nothing almost “habitually”. Yet, nature still goes around without noticing me. Now it’s gently nudging me to come out. Like telling me that I do not need to hide anymore. I’m looking at this very unfamiliar new path to undo the habitual pattern by making them into a new habit. It is a long road, yes, but possibility, right?